So I have decided that I am going to start posting my “comedic” essays online and I’m going to be tagging them all as “TITAITS” which looks funny but it stands for “Things I Think About In The Shower”, because eventually all of these will go together and possibly turn into a well written book instead of how I originally typed them. So this is the first one:
The Day That I Met My Hero
I have three heroes in this world: actor Ed Helms, actor/comedy writer Mindy Kaling, and actor/comedy writer/comedian Will Forte. I love and look up to these three different people for different reasons (see below):
- I listen to the Nerdist podcast quite frequently, hosted by genius and fellow nerd Chris Hardwick. One day I listened to an episode of this podcast featuring Ed Helms. I already enjoyed his work on The Office and loved the episode that he hosted of Saturday Night Live and decided that I’d listen to Chris interview him. Listening to him talk about how he got started in comedy and the things he’s always loved about comedy made me think of myself. Everything I had ever wanted to do, he did. I wanted to be just like him.
- All I really knew about Mindy Kaling was that she was on The Office. I knew that I enjoyed her character but I didn’t know anything about her. I started reading her blog “Things I Bought That I Love” and her newer blog “Concerns of Mindy Kaling” and she seemed to be perfect in every way. She was funny and she had great taste and I could just sit and read her blog for hours (which I did frequently). When her book Is Everyone Hanging Out With Me? (And Other Concerns) came out,I had already pre-ordered it and was awaiting it’s arrival. I read it in a few hours and loved everything about it. I loved everything she did to get to where she is now and I wanted to be just like her.
- I always joke around with my friends and tell them that Will Forte is the love of my life and that one day we’ll get married and live a fun and comedic life together. This is pretty much all bullshit. A star cannot go out with a super fan. It’s a bit weird and creepy. If I were married to Will, I wouldn’t be able to breathe properly. Will’s work on Saturday Night Live playing sex offenders, that one creepy blonde guy who seemed to bag every hot female celebrity in Hollywood only to lose them and win them back with a really weird song, and Darryl Hall of Hall and Oates only made my love for him stronger. What sealed the deal was his movie The Brothers Solomon. He wrote it and starred in it with Will Arnett, Kristen Wiig, and several other hilarious people. I’m not going to tell you what it’s about because then you wouldn’t watch it, but it’s my all time favorite movie. My mom saw it and told me I should watch it so I did and by the end of the movie I was in love with it. I also love Will’s work on several animated television shows, Tim and Eric Awesome Show: Great Job, his guest appearance on a hilarious episode of Parks and Recreation, and basically everything he’s ever done. I wanted and still want to be just like him.
This story is about the day that I met Will Forte or THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE (which is what I should have called this, but there’s no going back now!). While reading this, you might be thinking “What a lucky bitch! This could not have happened! I cannot believe this really happened to her!”. I still think those things about that day. I swear to you everything that happened that day did in fact happen. So here it is, the greatest day of my life. Enjoy.
It was Thursday, November 3rd 2011. I was 19 years old. Conan O’Brien was doing a week of shows in New York City. To gets tickets for these shows, you’d have to enter a lottery online and pick a day that you wanted to go to the show. You could also write a short letter to Conan telling him why you should be chosen. I don’t really remember my letter (because I entered for fun and didn’t think I would ever win), but I wrote something like “It would be an honor to be able to see your show. You are a legend and someone that I look up to and it would just make my life better if I were to win”. A few of my friends entered this lottery for several different days of his shows. A couple of them entered for Halloween and didn’t win. Another friend of mine entered several different times with different email accounts and did win for November 2nd, but chose not to go and go on a date instead. I entered for November 3rd, and won. Two tickets to see Conan O’Brien at the Beacon Theatre in New York City were mine.
I took my friend Sam to the show with me because she had entered for Halloween and didn’t win. Now, I’m not going to give you every detail of that day like what I got at Starbucks (a caramel frappucino) or what I ate at the diner for breakfast (a toasted bagel with lox and cream cheese). I’m just going to tell you the important things. Sam and I took the train and then the subway and eventually made it onto a huge line at the Beacon to pick up tickets. When we finally got inside, we were presented with orchestra seats, which are my favorite seats. I had gone to see Mike Birbiglia at Town Hall in 2009 (with Sam, surprisingly) and had orchestra seats, so I had a pretty good idea of what the show was going to look like from my seat. Sam and I had time to waste so we wandered around until we felt it was the right time to head back to the theater.
When we got inside, we saw how beautiful the theater was. If you’ve never been to the Beacon before, you should go at least once. Anyway, we got in our seats and waited for the show to start and that’s when everything became amazing. Jimmy Vivino and the Basic Cable Band started playing the show’s theme song and Andy Richter started saying who was going to be there/what they were doing that night which included an interview with comedian Louis C.K., a segment with Triumph the insult comic dog, and Conan was going to marry a same sex couple on the show. You’d think all of this was enough for it to be amazing but it got even more amazing as the show progressed. During the monologue, Conan spotted Jon Stewart in the audience with a fake ticket. I know what you’re thinking, “JON FUCKING STEWART!?”. Yes, Jon Fucking Stewart. But wait, there’s more. Jon and his fake ticket left and Conan requested a seat filler from outside and that seat filler was Stephen Colbert. Again, I know what you’re thinking, “STEPHEN FUCKING COLBERT!?”. Yes, Stephen FUCKING Colbert. It was sort of like everything in my head was happening around me instead of just happening in my head and it was amazing.
So now you’re probably thinking “But what about Will Forte?”. I’m getting to that. Earlier that day, Sam and I were trying to figure out who would be at Conan’s show that day. We knew about Louis C.K. but that was it. As Sam and I were wandering to Central Park (or maybe we were already there), I said “It would be amazing if Will Forte was there”. I knew that Will Forte made guest appearances on Conan as Ted Turner and I hoped he would show up but I figured that was a shot in the dark. Turns out I was wrong about that. Will Forte, or should I say Ted Turner, made an appearance at the show. What happened was actually pretty funny but you can always just go online and look up the episode. So after the wedding (which was beautiful, seriously go online and find it), the show ended. People started leaving, including Sam and I. But then we stopped because we saw someone who wasn’t leaving and instead taking photographs with people. IT WAS TED TURNED! I mean, IT WAS WILL FORTE! Sam grabbed me and we headed to the other side of the theater hoping to meet him. This is where I become a complete fuck face and you’ll laugh and say, “I KNEW IT! ALL OF THIS GREAT STUFF HAPPENED BUT SHE MADE A COMPLETE FOOL OF HERSELF!”.
So there he was, the “love of my life”, standing on stage right in front of my face. I had never been more freaked out in my life (which is true. I do freak out when I meet “celebrities”. I put it in quotes because people I usually find famous and idolize aren’t idolized among most people.). Will was taking funny pictures with everyone. They would smile next to him while he was on all fours either making a funny face or smiling. It was finally our turn to meet him and I thought I was going to throw up. I felt my stomach doing flips and I was so freaked out. Throwing up on my hero was something I didn’t want to do. I’m not sure what I said to him when I went up to him, but I think it was “I love you”. He shook my hand and my heart melted. I couldn’t get over the fact that he was right there and I was right there and then I couldn’t really breathe. I apologized to him for being so weird. After Sam took our picture and he said “It’s OK. I appreciate it. I have a lot of weird friends so this isn’t that weird. Well actually, you seem a little weird” and then he laughed and so did everyone else. I took Sam’s picture with him, apologized again for being a freak, and tripped on my way out (which made everyone laugh except for me). Once we got into the lobby I started to breathe again. I also choked a little bit and was shaking all over the place. It made Sam laugh. I joked that I wouldn’t wash my hand ever again because he had touched it and for two days, I actually didn’t wash it.
Oh, and sorry about all of the name dropping back there.